Hard Times Job Ad

Typical job ad for "professionals" during hard times:

• Title: Junior Technician, Analyst, and Chief Scapegoat
• Must have PhD. No MA, MBA, any Master's Degree, BS, BA, or any Bachelor's degree or AA or AS, or any Associate's Degree accepted.
• Must speak all languages, human and computer.
• Must have 3 years of production experience in computer languages not yet released.
• Must have a 4.0 GPA from grade school on.
• Applicant must have perfect attendance and never been late once in your life.
• Must be in excellent health.
• Must pass a background check
• Must pass alcohol and drug tests.
• Must be able to drink like a fish if boss or client asks you out for a drink.
• Must pass the BAR exam, Perfect 1600 SAT score, Ace the GRE
• Must have a S.C.U.B.A. license
• Must have an IQ of at least 160.
• Must possess perfect spelling and grammar. You can not do anything wrong.
• Professional attitude and dress is a must.
• Must graduate from a top-tier school (Ivy League). No whimpy "state-U's".
• Must have 15 letters of excellent references with phone numbers.
• Write a 150 page pager on why do you want to work for us.
• Never quit a job, been terminated, or laid off before.
• Never a straight shooter attitude.
• Excellent interpersonal skills and ability to smile under gunfire.
• Must lack sweat glands of any kind.
• Pass personality tests.
• Never use any curse words.
• Must have a perfect credit history (No late payments ever!! Even on magazines that you didn't order.)
• Must live or move within 3-minutes of office. No moving reimbursement.
• Must be under 40, but have 41 years experience.
• You must attend 20 interviews, go to a panel interview, pay for parking, and buy everyone in the company lunch and snacks.
• Must have certificate in volume gourmet coffee production. Bring the supplies and equipment.
• Must have no family so can work full clock.
• No medical, dental, or life insurance.
• Must supply own desk, cubicle, chair, and computer that must fit company guidelines. {Based on a real situation.}
• Must lie to immigration and visa inspectors.
• If female, must have big tits.
• Pay: $16 per hour on a 1099 basis.
• Must pay own parking. Nearest lot is $17 per hour (more than your salary).
• Subject to termination on capricious whim of management.

(Credit note: Partly culled from lists on slashdot.com and craigslist.com)

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CategoryEmployment, CategoryWikiSarcasm